Despite the fact that you’re probably a fairly social and reasonably attractive person, you’ve downloaded Tinder. Maybe you were curious, maybe you were horny, maybe you wanted to see what your ex is up to. You swiped right and matched and tried to be witty via text with a perfect stranger and now you’re doing it. That is, you’re meeting in real life.
The thing about real life is that it isn’t anything like the internet. We can’t airbrush acne or quickly Google witty quotes when we’re face to face. So what happens when you learn the hard way that it’s kind of a stupid idea to use an app to find people that are within 10 miles of you instead of just, you know, going to the bar?
Here are five ways to GTFO when your Tinder date is a fail.
1. Bring a disguise.
An experienced party animal always carries a pair of shades to make their walk of shame the next day a little less painful. Anticipate the pain that a #Tinderfail could bring and pack something that can get you from the bathroom to the front door without being noticed. Stuff a different sweatshirt or a new hat in your bag and if things are that bad, no shame. Go the john, unmatch the troll, switch your gear, and b-line to the front door. No eye contact, no regrets. Your date probably has another two lined up that week anyways. They’ll be OK!
2. Insist on sitting on the same side of the table. If they like it…
I admit that this could backfire. To a normal person, no matter how well the first date is going, it would be a really offputting move if your date switched to the same side of the table half way through the date. Still, try it: sit weirdly close and laugh really loud. If for some unlucky reason they’re into the fact that you’re up in their personal space, boost the weird levels. Take a deep, audible sniff of your date’s hair. Hello, Clariiiiice.
3. Plant a fake ex nearby
We all have a homie who refuses to get a job while they pursue the arts from in front of their TV. Find that friend, and tell them their acting debut is at hand. Plant them at nearby booth at your meeting place of choice and give them a few insane lines to run over and yell on cue. Suggestions include:
“I KNOW IT’S YOU WHO KEEPS EGGING MY CAR.”
“PLEASE JUST BRING MY DOG BACK!”
4. Eat all your food, and then eat theirs.
Take the food of your date’s plate. Don’t make it dainty or flirty. Picture that cute scene with the two dogs eating spaghetti off the same plate from that Disney movie and copy it but make it gross. Drop the toppings off his burger as you reach for it for the fourth time. Let her talk up how much she loves the mac n’ cheese they make at the spot you’re at, and then inhale her dinner while looking her dead in the eye. Maybe you’ll chew your date’s food with your mouth open. How much do you hate them?
5. Go to the kitchen, explain the situation, and leave out the cooks’ door.
Some dates are so bad that you can’t make them funny. Some people are so far gone that no normally antisocial behavior will register with them, and so the 4 surefire escape methods I just gave you will fail. If you’ve been unlucky enough to match with a sexy sociopath remember this: the kitchen staff usually leaves through their own door. Chances are the cooks are a team of chainsmoking crazy people themselves, but if you promise not to report their health violations, they may let you slide out the door they stand around smoking during their breaks from dinner service. (Note: this is cruel and only to be used in the case of emergency).